Birthday Gifts
by TheAnomily
Summary: The Colonel is the victim of perception alteration. Ms Leon is effectively under the effects of catnip. Coincidently, it's also our favourite feline's birthday. I hope that got your attention. This is a follow up to Christmas Gifts because I can't let things be.


**AN: As I mentioned in the summary, this is a follow up to Christmas Gifts, so please refer to that. Is it just me or does this sound OOC? I own H.I.V.E... A bee hive.**

****Nepetalactone is what makes cats like catnip so much.****

"Hey, Shelby," Otto greeted cheerily as he walked into her and Laura's living quarters. The latter was not present.

"Oh, it's you," she said, even though she already knew full well who she had let in. Shelby had still not forgiven him for turning her into a three year old. Otto had still not forgiven himself for forgetting the basic concept of echoes. That oversight meant he had just missed out on all the extra ice cream he could've- and should've- received. "You want me to do something for you."

"How did you guess?"

"It gives me great pain to say it, but you are good at many things, Malpense. But, don't you worry- hiding that voice from me will never be one."

"Alright, fine," he said, slightly annoyed that Shelby could read him as easily as a nursery book, "I need you to nick a few things from the Science and Technology department for me to borrow."

"Why should I?"

"Are you still annoyed at Ms Leon?" Of course she was. The encouragement to pet Otto was uncalled for considering she had been delirious. The encouragement had been the reason she actually did it.

"I'm listening."

"Good. Because here's the plan..."

* * *

Ms Leon awoke from her slumber, arching her back. Almost immediately she was aware something was... strange. Then she realized: it was her birthday. She didn't like birthdays; they were just a constant reminder of her ever increasing age. When she was a human, the cake- as profusely as she denied it- had made things bearable. Why hadn't she eaten it more? She shook her furry head- she had an entire day of teaching to get through and that was hard enough without feeling sorry for herself. Besides, her human body wasn't getting any older as it was being cryogenically stored. She jumped down from her "bed" and braced herself for the day ahead. But, first, it was time for a little fun. She looked at the illuminated clock- 4 AM.

She made her way to the Tactical Education Department, where the Professor and Raven waited.

"Perfect," the feline whispered, jumping onto a chair. "I'm sure you have questions."

"Indeed," Raven replied, "one of which is why you had me buy this." She produced a brilliant yellow coat with pink flowers decorating it. It was positively hideous.

"Perfect," she repeated. "I assume you have got the perception alterator, Pike."

"Right here." It was the size of a pin.

"Do tell us how it works. And, for God's sake, make it short."

"Well, you scan the object you want the victim to be able to see by pressing this button here," he demonstrated by scanning himself. A three dimensional image was projected from the object. "And you scan the object that can be seen by everyone else by pressing this and attach it to that object." He scanned the chair Leon was sitting on and placed the device on it. It suddenly changed to the Professor's face, causing Ms Leon to jump off as if she'd been electrocuted. Which, knowing the Professor, was plausible. "Are you okay, Tabitha?"

"Fine. Although, your hair needs a serious clean. Was it chocolate I felt in there?"

The Professor reddened, "so the sensory manipulators do work, then. Though I fail to understand why you had me make it so small."

"You don't need to know," she told him, her voice maintaining its frosty value despite having to go through H.I.V.E. mind "In fact, you can go. I only need Raven for this stage of the operation. Goodbye."

The Professor, somewhat reluctantly, left. He knew the consequences of crossing Ms Leon were dire and that was before her transformation.

"Men," she grumbled before turning to Raven. "So, Natalya. I think you want to know what is going on."

"That is correct."

"This is a little revenge on the Colonel for not sending that precious coat of his to the wash. Do you have any idea how long that scent lingered?"

"What do you need me for?" Raven asked, already having a vague idea.

"Obviously I don't have hands so I need you to get into the Colonel's quarters and replace his military coat with the one you brought. If everything goes to plan, he won't know he's wearing that _thing._"

Raven smiled slightly. "Easy. Do you want me to get a picture of Charlie?"

"Who?"

"His stuffed toy dog."

If cats had eyebrows, Ms Leon's would've hit the roof. "Now this I have to see. A change of plan: I'm coming with you." She paused. "But how do you know this?"

"I've broken in to his quarters before. He stole some shurikens from me. By accident, apparently."

Sure enough, when the two of them got into his room, he was there holding a stuffed dog as he snored not so softly. If there was one thing about the Colonel that would never change, it was his ability to remain sleeping until he woke up of his own will.

* * *

"So, as you can see, bypassing the lower level security systems first proves to be not only possible, but effective. However..." Ms Leon trailed off as Shelby and Otto walked into her class ten minutes late. She warmly welcomed them by giving them detention.

As she continued with whatever she was teaching, Shelby nudged Otto and raised an eyebrow. Her message was clear: are you ready? I don't want to listen to her for much longer. He nodded slightly in response and raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr Malpense," Ms Leon replied exasperated.

"Can I go to the toilet?"

"You show up to my class ten minutes late and you ask to be excused? I don't think so."

"Would you rather I pi- pee in my pants?" Otto knew of Ms Leon's attitude towards 'swear' words and decided he did not want to witness it first hand. "Besides which, the reason we failed to be on time was because we had a meeting with Doctor Nero and it overran."

"Fine. But I will be checking with Doctor Nero about this meeting of yours. As I'm sure you know, lying will have... consequences."

"This is the Higher Institute of _Villainous_ Education, Ms Leon."

Her patience was wearing thin. "Go."

As he turned to go out the door, he fell. The action earned him a few chuckles; Otto Malpense the Great tripping over his feet? Unheard of! In reality, he was dispersing his experiment; the real reason for his tardiness. A slightly adjusted replica of nepetalactone.

As the class progressed, Ms Leon became more and more agitated. It was as if the cat's instincts were overpowering her consciousness- she wanted to start running around, looking for something. The more she ignored it, the harder it was to resist. Things were not looking good for there was still half an hour left of this lesson.

Suddenly she spotted a small, red dot in the corner of her eye.

_Chase it. Chase it, chase it, chase it!_

It was at that point she caved in.

_Faster! Move fast!_

The students watched as their teacher sprinted around the room, following the dot that had appeared. The few who had managed to tear their eyes off the eccentric sight saw Otto Malpense shining the laser light through the air vent. He nodded to something they couldn't quite determine. A green light crossed over the red, causing Ms Leon to scatter about in a desperate attempt to eliminate both. She ended up sliding on her stomach into her desk.

"Meow!" She growled in a very human voice. She leapt onto her desk to find one light tantalizingly moving across her desk and onto the floor in opposite directions, making sure to move over her papers. The other remained where it was, on her chair.

_Stay low. Calculate. And 3, 2, 1, pounce!_

As she leapt onto it, the world tipped from underneath her. Still the green thing stayed where it was. Claws were evidently ineffective, but that didn't mean her teeth weren't. She promptly started chewing at her chair. Still nothing. It suddenly went out.

_Find it._

She span around in a circle rapidly. What was that white bushy thing following her? Only one way to find out...

By now the class had taken out their blackboxes, keen to record this incident, knowing the videos would spread like wildfire if only they could find a way to transmit it from student to student. An unseen bucket of water tipped from the ceiling onto the cat.

"Meeoooooowwww!"

_Cold. Wet. Find warmth. There, over there is a warmer area._

Ms Leon ran towards the children, who were giving off such tempting body heat. She jumped onto the nearest one's lap and started purring, rubbing her face on the source of the heat.

"Erm... Ms Leon?" Franz asked tensely, "can you please be getting off me?"

She seemed to have no such plans. Rather, she curled into a ball and slept.

"Someone, help me."

Instead, his fellow classmates laughed uproariously. The feline remained unaware of the world.

* * *

"What in the name of all that's evil!" Doctor Nero exclaimed to the AI. "When was this?"

"The event started ten minutes ago and is lasting until now. I suggest I should contact Professor Pike and tell him to go there to check Ms Leon out."

"We should probably send the Colonel as well," Nero said thoughtfully, "just in case Tabitha becomes... untoward."

"Yes, sir. Is there anything else?"

"Run a full check. I want to know who did this."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Just as all hope seemed lost for Franz Argentblum (and the rest of the students regaining their breath), the Colonel and the Professor burst through the door. The Colonel was dressed... weirdly. Instead of his intimidating military jacket, he wore a pink and yellow floral female coat. The room fell silent.

"What is the matter with everyone today?" He yelled.

"I believe we have more pressing issues than your sudden change of fashion, Colonel." Pike said, gesturing to Ms Leon. "I'm thinking you get her off Argentblum and put her in a cage. I, for one, don't want to be on the wrong side of those talons."

"I thought you were meant to be smart. They are _claws,_ not _talons,_ you SciTech. Anyways let's get on with it."

As the Colonel leant to pick her up, silently debating where would be appropriate, she woke.

"When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man that was running the stand, "Hey, got any glue?"  
"What?"  
"Got any glue?"  
"No, why would I- oh!"  
"And one more question for you; got any grapes?"" She sung.

"Come on, let's get you out of here," he muttered, lifting her off Argentblum.

"What do you think you're doing? Those are my privates!"

"Oh my-" the Colonel promptly dropped her. On her way down, Ms Leon swiped at him, claws extended. All she succeeded in doing was ripping the perception alterator off. The Colonel screamed before barking: "get this off me! Get it off! Now! This is monstrosity! War! I'm ruined. Don't just stand there, help me, Theodore!" He stopped when he realised he was only making more of a fool of himself. He ripped the shirt off him, revealing the forgotten tattoo he got when he was eight: _chickens are kings in disguise. Worship or die._

* * *

"Who was responsible?" Doctor Nero asked- well, demanded- the teaching staff and Raven, who he had gathered before him.

"Tabitha was," the Professor said quickly, "She forced me to make the alterator and there was nothing wrong with her when I scanned her."

"I never forced you to!" She retaliated loudly- she would've yelled at the old man but H.I.V.E. mind didn't like shouting. "You said you would do it for money."

"And, presumably Tabitha sent Theodore crawling through vents to get to San Francisco?" Nero asked sceptically.

"San Francisco!" The Colonel bellowed.

"It was Natalya," the Professor informed him.

"Oi!" Raven lent over the table and pinched him on the pressure point just above his elbow, hard.

The Colonel looked at her. "Traitor. Why are you siding with the nerds?"

"Tabitha- a nerd? Quite the the opposite, actually. We are, after all, talking about the person- whoops, feline- who ate her own chair."

"Oi!" The cat in question responded.

"Of all the things you three could've done," the Colonel started. "You do this."

Raven shrugged. "She could've told me to get a video of you sleeping with Charlie and drooling on him. She could've then got Pike to upload it to the school computers and play it simultaneously."

"Charlie?" Nero repeated.

"Do you want to tell him, or shall I?" Leon offered.

Colonel Fransisco took a deep breath. "My stuffed dog," he murmured, only just loud enough to be heard. He started shouting at the rest of the staff as they laughed. Eventually, it turned into a verbal war.

"Ivan." Nero strained his voice to be heard.

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you happen to have a whistle on you?"

"Coincidently, I do, sir."

"Blow it."

The ear piercing sound cut through the air like a missile through sand. The silence it resulted in was total.

"Listen." Nero began. "You may either settle this through your own methods, or we can come to an agreement here and now."

"Never!" The Professor shouted, "this is a war and only cowards surrender."

Nero stood up, sensing Tabitha was about to do something... cat- like to Theodore. However, as he moved to restrain her, he tripped over his shoelace.

And he fell.

His face landed on the Colonel's lap.

_Here we go again,_ he thought as the mocking started.


End file.
